Tag Archives: download

Piss Might Fly

Previously written for a friend heading to Sonisphere Festival 2014, this versatile poem instantly becomes a bespoke ditty for anyone heading to any music festival.  Just replace the name in the first verse with that of your own or a friend and subsequently the “she” to “he” if applicable and change the title of the festival to the one you are lucky enough to get time off work for and Bingo!  The verses are yours!

A nice pint of refreshing beer

A nice pint of refreshing beer

Kitty went to Glasto

to see her favourite bands.

She spied a flying pint of beer

which sprayed her hair and hands.

It was no beer, this was clear,

but toxic waste and human,

a frothy bevvie, she did fear,

brewed by a desperate fan.

The crowd then parted like the waves,

and Kitty gained some extra space.

She couldn’t damn that reckless man,

he’d really made the perfect land!

The stage was clear and in her sight;

now she needn’t push or fight.

Thanks to the fan who’d relieved his gear

(At least it wasn’t from his rear!)

Marshall Ultimate Band Contest 2013

This competition has become a favorite of mine.  In these days of perpetual addiction to social media avenues, we see the market flooded with desperately hopeful young bands.  For new and deserving talent, the contest provides an opportunity to get seen and heard by a wider audience of heavy metal/rock fans.  

As I write, the five finalists selected to battle it out under the scrutinizing eyes of a panel of judges, are probably polishing their performances for the Marshall Ultimate Band Contest 2013 which is due to be held next weekend.

To take part, each entry makes a promotional video which can be seen on the dedicated Marshall UBC site.  The public then vote to decide the top twenty five bands.  These are then whittled down by the judges who must take best performance video and self promotion into consideration.  They finally decide upon just five bands who must play the Marshall Theatre at the HQ in Milton Keynes.  The overall winner receives Marshall endorsement and a most coveted slot at Download Festival.

This year Alexander Milas, Editor of Metal Hammer Magazine will be among the judges with the unenviable task of choosing a winner.  It will be a tense but exciting night as Ravenface, Plastique, Motorfinger, Bad Touch and Balls Deep, play in the headquarters of one of the world’s most famous amplification specialists.  Last year’s winners, States of Panic (formerly Peepshow) will also be showing us how things are done with a small set to take the nervous edge off the proceedings!

I reviewed the Final 2012 for Stereoboard.com last year, merely out of interest and subsequently discovered some new favorite bands, including 2011 winners, Sons of Icarus, who kicked off the Final for us last year.  I recently revisited the Finalists of 2012 (States of Panic, Frantic Alice, Obey, Nakedium and Deligma) and interviewed them all for Stereoboard.com to understand what the Contest meant to them now and at the time.

Here’s the link if you fancy checking it out: http://www.stereoboard.com/content/view/182018/9

Good luck to all the Finalists this year

marshall ubc 2013


Ahh, I can feel it now!  The piss in my hair; the mud between my toes; the rain trickling down my back; the steam rising from the mosh pit; the smell of world cuisine mixed with the tang from the urinals; the grit coating my teeth.  Ahh yes!  Download Festival!  It’s nearly time to pack your bags and stick out your thumb and get on the road from wherever you reside to join Downloaders from every part of the nation and head along to sleepy little old Castle Donnington for the greatest show on earth!

Well, girls, (and boys), sticking out your thumb might not be the best way to travel. I have done it myself and can’t really say I recommend it.  Definitely a slightly worrying experience all round with no guarantee whatsoever that you will reach your destination in time for your favorite band to hit the stage!  However, whether you take the train; taxi; car or even walk to save on all those precious beer drinking, Jägermeister abusing pennies, make sure you are well equipped – and, when I say, “well equipped” it doesn’t mean you, boys.

Lipstick?  Check.

Sunhat?  Check.

Purse?  Check.

Tickets?  Just about.

Handwipes?  Have now.

Tent?  Sure.

Sleeping bag?  Yep.

Wellies?  Of course.

Condoms?  If you must.

Female urinary device?  What?

Basically, if you know about these revolutionary items then you are already a winner.  If you don’t then this is what I am talking about.  Here’s a little snippet from my new book:

“….Girls were better catered for these days though.  They even had the fairer sex pissing like the blokes thanks to fantastic, European inventiveness so that you could choose whether to park your delicate butt on the spattered rim of a stinking shit tardis, only to find the gel soap dispenser totally empty or, stand proud, with a disposable cardboard funnel tucked into your jeans, shoulder to shoulder with swaying festival goers emitting piss loads of weak lager in order to fill their bladders with more.  Disposable cardboard funnels meant that you could probably get away without having to wash your hands at all having touched nothing but the clean white edges of your antibac’d cock extension. The only thing about standing to pee, if you are a girl, Zoe recalled, is that, not being the normal stance to assume, the muscles don’t relax and release quickly, even if your bladder is full and you’re busting, so you can stand there for a while waiting and the blokes around wonder if you have just joined them in the adjacent open cubicle to check out their talent….”     © Anna Ghislena “Rock Harder”

Yes, it does take a little getting used to, but after the first go, its simple!  Don’t be shy!  It’s time-saving; hygienic and liberating!  Squatting above those smelly bowls with your nose against the door while you hold your breath and aim, (badly), before precariously mopping up the splashes, could be a thing of the past thanks to the likes of P-Mate (disposable cardboard funnels); the Shewee and GoGirl (re-useable silicone; comfy and germ free).


I recently discovered that GoGirl (available in delightful shades of either lavender or khaki) is supplied by the Download survival experts “Jims Van”.  With extreme knowledge of the Download experience, they seem to have everything (bar the packed lunch and the beer) that the discerning festival goer and born survivor needs to tackle the elements and enjoy some basic comforts (eat your heart out Bear Grylls!).  In fact, you can pre-order all or part of your kit from them and they’ll have it ready for you to collect as you pass through Donnington.

So, for those about to rock, we salute GoGirl!  Check it out here – there’s a little demo video on Jims Van website, just follow this link and scroll down to the items at the end of the shopping page:


Marshall Ultimate Band Contest – The Final

Saturday 17th November 2012, Marshall Theatre, Milton Keynes

Jesse Hughes

When Jesse Hughes, singer of Eagles of Death Metal and Boots Electric, walks onto the stage armed with a clipboard and reading glasses and asks “Are you ready for rock and roll?” you know that judging this competition is a serious business.  Alongside Jesse, the panel of judges are British record producer, Steve Levine; Andy Copping from Download/Live Nation; Kerrang’s Listing Editor, Jen Walker and Paul Marshall.  The pressure is on!

Out of hundreds of entries carefully whittled down to a top twenty five, just five finalists will now battle for the title of Ultimate Band and win a prestigious slot at Download 2013 and full Marshall endorsement for a year. The nerves are almost rebounding off the walls inside the iconic Marshall HQ Theatre which is sold out to fans and supporters who cower in the darkness at the back of the venue by the bar.

Helping to ease the tension, the Ultimate Band winner of 2010, Sons of Icarus, take to the stage with the unenviable task of warming up the timid crowd. Vocalist, Andy Masson, beckons them to move forward for an enticing taste of what success is all about. As they pile through their short set it is clear why they were winners and how, two years on, they are still going strong. With cascading rock and roll riffs, meaty and mental bass and drums, their thundering songs, like “Not Myself”, demonstrate what a tight unit they are.

Then, the games commence and Jesse checks his clipboard. First finalist to take to the stage is Brighton based melodic rockers Nakedium. Looking like they’ve had a quick refresh after a day in the office, it’s difficult to figure them out at first, but, day job appearances aside, they deliver a strong set of songs “about real life” with clear, Bon Joviesque, arrangements and neatly blended verses and choruses that certainly harken back to the late 80’s. “Paint the World” has a catchy chorus slightly reminiscent of Tears for Fears’ “Everybody Wants to Rule the World”. There is, however, something a little bit Brian Johnsonish about the way singer Mark Lehmann bowls around the stage and with small teases of possible lead guitar solos from Howard Rickard that never seem to get going, it is bassist Sam Bryant who catches the eye mastering his five string and who is awarded the title of Best Bassist. Lee Bryant’s drumming keeps it all together well throughout the set, which includes the anthemic “Set Me Free”, a song about, well, yes, day jobs! Stadium rock is what Nakedium seem to be about, but, when a band are too wrapped in their day jobs to have a dynamic approach to their dream job, then pub rock must keep them grounded for now.

Next band up are Milton Keynes’ own hard rockers, Frantic Alice. Barely out of nappies, these pretty little rock stars have been playing together for just one year but boy can they pack a punch! Likened to Avenged Sevenfold and Papa Roach, they have some ferocious opening riffs and canter through their set which includes “Breakout” and “Misses Misery” with unrelenting momentum and attitude to match. Singer, Jakk Vanity has an exquisite immaturity to his voice akin to Brian Molko of Placebo or Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance and despite his nerves, he oozes confidence and connects with his audience from the start. Along with Jim Terror’s grinding guitar, Rob Dix’s deft bass playing, they have the aura of a band that will make it big someday. Today is not the day however, despite Allonby drumming as if his life depended on it.

This competition has attracted hopefuls from both near and far, but you can’t get much further than Tasmania, Australia. Electro prog metal band, Deligma, travelled with supporters in tow to be here tonight and for this belief in themselves alone, one hopes that their dedication is acknowledged. With ever changing moods and tempos highlighted by heavy riffs, solid rhythms and melodies, their music is a symphony of multiple dimensions that are made all the more poignant by Dylan Smith’s clean vocals whether he is singing like an angel or bellowing an aggressive scream. “Vendetta” with its machine gun-like intro sounds all the better live and displays what brutal modern metal is all about, whereas, “Misfire” is more gently paced. Yes, their dedication and their musicianship is acknowledged, but it is band member Guy Jeffrey who is crowned Best Drummer.

If one band’s fans could win an award then this would certainly go to the passionate supporters of Obey. Larger than life, these flag bearing, chanting fanatics weren’t going to let nerves get in the way of making this three piece metal band from Stoke-on-Trent feel as at home as possible. Steve Pickin, guitar and vocals, Josh Jones, bass and Matt Lane, drums, are influenced by Sabbath, Pantera and Lamb of God and from the moment they deliver their first distorted, bludgeoning riffs, you could believe that hairs might just be sprouting from your chest and that this is certainly the band that should be churning up the devils dustbowl at Donnington. Indeed, Steve Pickin could easily be Zakk Wylde’s younger, leaner and prettier brother, he certainly has the look and his punchy delivery on guitar earns him Best Guitarist. It is at this point in the competition however, that constant comparisons to other bands must beg the question – “But what is the Ultimate Band?” Surely the competition is not about who they sound like but that they have, at least, something new to offer? In a music world of genres and sub-genres this must be increasingly difficult for our judges tonight and when Obey tear into their final attempt to impress with “Suicide Shifter” there is still something missing although it isn’t the head banging groupies they brought with them!

Johnny Gunn

Ok, so if comparisons must be made then what does their native Scotland make of Peepshow? Hanoi Rocks? Black Veil Brides? WASP? Alice Cooper? Wham! No, not the band, more the sensation that exudes as the first song is ignited by a note delivered like an electric shock. Launching into the unrelenting madness of “Let Go” ensures they now have all the attention they want and yes, if comparisons are allowed and if sexual variety is ignored for a moment, then these could be the bastard sons of Blackie Lawless and Joan Jett. Peepshow are the darker side of hard rocking glam metal. Loaded in eye makeup, frontman Johnny Gunn has total control and is one of those front men that relish in the pure theatre of performance. Taking his lead in equal measures are guitarists Rusty Gill and Dagan, Hex on Bass and Hammy on drums. With the likes of “Live Free or Die” and the loudest song of the night that has the audience singing “Here comes trouble”, they basically produce great songs. Head banging riffs, and sexy, sing-a-long, bad boy rock songs mixed with futuristic sounds, provoke the listener’s imagination and provide an aural and visual feast of moderate measures that can only get bigger and more filling with a small push in the right direction. Which is exactly what they get. Despite a dubious attempt to split the audience for a “who can shout oi oi oi” the loudest contest, they go home victorious with the coveted prizes of Best Singer and Best Band.


Lastly, a special guest band is closing the competition tonight and, it seems, are exposing some unsuspecting members of the audience to an infection of epidemic proportions. Fresh from their American tour supporting KISS and Motley Crue, young Cambridge rockers, The Treatment have arrived to prescribe us with a cure for nerves and show us all how it is really done.

The Treatment

Indeed, many here tonight are receiving their virgin dose of this band and at first it is nothing but awe and wonder on every face in the theatre. All studs and leather, the struts are in the right places, their mere presence is contagious; they are nothing but pleased to be there and it is not long before the crowd are jumping along to banging party songs like “I Bleed Rock and Roll”, “The Doctor” and “Shake the Mountain”. Hang on a moment. The Treatment won our hearts with the release of their first album “This Might Hurt” and as supports to Steel Panther earlier this year dressed simply in teenage black leathers, denim and shoulder length hair. What’s going on? They have returned from America looking a little “tampered” with, having been to see KISS’ barber and Spinal Tap’s wardrobe mistress.

Maybe this should be a lesson to all our finalists tonight? Keep it real guys. Keep it Cambridge. Keep it Union Jacks. Keep it The Treatment.

written by Anna Ghislena

This review is also available at www.stereoboard.com

NB: Since the contest winners, Peepshow, have changed their name to States of Panic.

The Treatment

getting a dose of it

Marshall Ultimate Band Competition

Jesse Hughes

The nail biting competition final will take place on Saturday 17th November 2012 in Milton Keynes.  We’ll have a little chat about this one after the five bands competing for the coveted prizes, which include a slot at Download 2013, have battled it out at the Marshall HQ under the watchful eye of the god of all moustaches, Jesse Hughes.

The Treatment

The Treatment will also be helping the medicine go down with a spoonful of what they gave America on their recent tour with Kiss and Motley Crue.  Sons of Icarus will also be playing live, setting this melting pot of surprises on fire!  Can’t wait!  Watch this space……