Ahh, I can feel it now! The piss in my hair; the mud between my toes; the rain trickling down my back; the steam rising from the mosh pit; the smell of world cuisine mixed with the tang from the urinals; the grit coating my teeth. Ahh yes! Download Festival! It’s nearly time to pack your bags and stick out your thumb and get on the road from wherever you reside to join Downloaders from every part of the nation and head along to sleepy little old Castle Donnington for the greatest show on earth!
Well, girls, (and boys), sticking out your thumb might not be the best way to travel. I have done it myself and can’t really say I recommend it. Definitely a slightly worrying experience all round with no guarantee whatsoever that you will reach your destination in time for your favorite band to hit the stage! However, whether you take the train; taxi; car or even walk to save on all those precious beer drinking, Jägermeister abusing pennies, make sure you are well equipped – and, when I say, “well equipped” it doesn’t mean you, boys.
Tickets? Just about.
Handwipes? Have now.
Sleeping bag? Yep.
Wellies? Of course.
Condoms? If you must.
Female urinary device? What?
Basically, if you know about these revolutionary items then you are already a winner. If you don’t then this is what I am talking about. Here’s a little snippet from my new book:
“….Girls were better catered for these days though. They even had the fairer sex pissing like the blokes thanks to fantastic, European inventiveness so that you could choose whether to park your delicate butt on the spattered rim of a stinking shit tardis, only to find the gel soap dispenser totally empty or, stand proud, with a disposable cardboard funnel tucked into your jeans, shoulder to shoulder with swaying festival goers emitting piss loads of weak lager in order to fill their bladders with more. Disposable cardboard funnels meant that you could probably get away without having to wash your hands at all having touched nothing but the clean white edges of your antibac’d cock extension. The only thing about standing to pee, if you are a girl, Zoe recalled, is that, not being the normal stance to assume, the muscles don’t relax and release quickly, even if your bladder is full and you’re busting, so you can stand there for a while waiting and the blokes around wonder if you have just joined them in the adjacent open cubicle to check out their talent….” © Anna Ghislena “Rock Harder”
Yes, it does take a little getting used to, but after the first go, its simple! Don’t be shy! It’s time-saving; hygienic and liberating! Squatting above those smelly bowls with your nose against the door while you hold your breath and aim, (badly), before precariously mopping up the splashes, could be a thing of the past thanks to the likes of P-Mate (disposable cardboard funnels); the Shewee and GoGirl (re-useable silicone; comfy and germ free).
I recently discovered that GoGirl (available in delightful shades of either lavender or khaki) is supplied by the Download survival experts “Jims Van”. With extreme knowledge of the Download experience, they seem to have everything (bar the packed lunch and the beer) that the discerning festival goer and born survivor needs to tackle the elements and enjoy some basic comforts (eat your heart out Bear Grylls!). In fact, you can pre-order all or part of your kit from them and they’ll have it ready for you to collect as you pass through Donnington.
So, for those about to rock, we salute GoGirl! Check it out here – there’s a little demo video on Jims Van website, just follow this link and scroll down to the items at the end of the shopping page: